"Why does this keep coming up? It's not like things are bad."
No, it's just that it doesn't feel like the inside of my head is getting any better, and it's been like that as long as I can remember. If you fail at something for years and years, don't you get to a point where you hate it and you want to quit, even if you're too damned stupid to?

Something kind of comforting about being awake in the middle of the night. I guess it's because no one's really expected to be sane or functional at four AM anyway.

I'm still here.

Funny that I forgot I wrote that. I keep thinking this is here just for me to make promises to myself to still be here tomorrow. Today's one of those days where I need to make that promise.

Less than a week after Tora died, we had to have Nagi put under for a five hour surgery on her hip joints. She came through perfectly. She's still half shaved, but it's growing back, and she's a lot less neurotic than she used to be. Amazing what an absence of chronic pain will do for your personality, I guess.

But I keep dreaming about petting Tora, and waking up sad.

I had another dream two nights ago which is affecting me, I don't know that I want to describe it, because that'll make it worse, I think.

My partner's got a new job. We can't really afford for me to find a new shrink. And I gave up on the antipsychotic on Veterans' Day, it's almost a funny story, I guess, in the way that you can pretty often make horrible things funny if you just don't care about them enough. It might be why my dreams are really turning on me again lately, but I've always had horrible nightmares, it's why I don't sleep.

Anyway, in addition to twenty-four-hour promises, I guess this can be my new shrink. I can't imagine anyone's reading it, but I can tell myself someone somewhere is so I'm not just promising myself. That makes it about the perfect place to be the mes that I try hard not to be in front of people whose opinions I care about. Lame, I know.

Anyway, I'll still be here tomorrow. Nothing's off the table, but it's not like if I don't in the next day, I'll never get a chance to. So I can spend a day saying I said I would wait, and who knows, maybe it'll get better.

My partner woke up and saw me this morning. "I'm glad you're still here."

Yeah, I said. No one's more surprised than me.

I felt like this after Cypress died. But then I was grateful that they'd given me an extra year with her. This time, I feel cheated out of ten years or more that we could have had with Tora.

I know it won't always hurt this bad. I know this isn't my fault. I know we took good care of Tora and made him happy. We even got him his own squirrel. He was loved, and I think he knew that. I know Nagi will sort it out eventually in her own mind, and we know now to be very careful with her if she ever needs anesthesia.

The thing is, logic can help you not do stupid things. But it can't make you feel better.

I know it won't hurt as bad as it does right now. But I don't know if it will get that much better, it's been so bad for so long. And sometimes one foot in front of the other seems like so much effort. But that I'm still even writing this has to mean I'm not giving up yet.

You know what? I don't know. Tora died just now. We took him to the vet for a teeth cleaning. We promised him it would be okay. And now he's dead. He trusted me and now he's dead. And the vet wants me to decide what to do with him and I CAN'T THINK because my baby is dead.

I'm not even promising today. I want my kitty back. He was only two, and it's his sister who is sick all the time. I want him back. He trusted me and I let them kill him.

Another twenty four. One after the next, I guess. I just hope someday there's more than just day-at-a-time promises to myself.

I'm still here. Let's see what happens tomorrow.

I'll still be here tomorrow. I just have to say it so I will.