My partner woke up and saw me this morning. "I'm glad you're still here."

Yeah, I said. No one's more surprised than me.

I felt like this after Cypress died. But then I was grateful that they'd given me an extra year with her. This time, I feel cheated out of ten years or more that we could have had with Tora.

I know it won't always hurt this bad. I know this isn't my fault. I know we took good care of Tora and made him happy. We even got him his own squirrel. He was loved, and I think he knew that. I know Nagi will sort it out eventually in her own mind, and we know now to be very careful with her if she ever needs anesthesia.

The thing is, logic can help you not do stupid things. But it can't make you feel better.

I know it won't hurt as bad as it does right now. But I don't know if it will get that much better, it's been so bad for so long. And sometimes one foot in front of the other seems like so much effort. But that I'm still even writing this has to mean I'm not giving up yet.

You know what? I don't know. Tora died just now. We took him to the vet for a teeth cleaning. We promised him it would be okay. And now he's dead. He trusted me and now he's dead. And the vet wants me to decide what to do with him and I CAN'T THINK because my baby is dead.

I'm not even promising today. I want my kitty back. He was only two, and it's his sister who is sick all the time. I want him back. He trusted me and I let them kill him.

Another twenty four. One after the next, I guess. I just hope someday there's more than just day-at-a-time promises to myself.

I'm still here. Let's see what happens tomorrow.

I'll still be here tomorrow. I just have to say it so I will.